So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
