You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
