so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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