saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
