I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
