A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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