So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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