you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
farters have to be the big spoon...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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