I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she peed on how many people?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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