I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
