Just cropdusted the office
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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