She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
