Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
