I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
