my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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