your thong is hanging out like whoa
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
