Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
