Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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