his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
