You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
