turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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