so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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