It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
