I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
