Just fell off a train. Bad.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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