I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
