Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
