I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
