spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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