One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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