someone threw a dead crab at me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
