Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
