Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If I die, sorry about rent.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
