So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
