i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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