I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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