I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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