I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
