I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
