Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
