I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
