then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My sheets look like a crime scene.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
