Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
