I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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