Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
