remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
