In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
