And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
