Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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