I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
