dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
